


Picnic like you mean it

by everythingremainsconnected



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Slice of Life, a little hurt/comfort, everyone likes a picnic right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9449291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingremainsconnected/pseuds/everythingremainsconnected
Summary: A picnic was supposed to be easy. You got some food and a blanket and sat in a park on the blanket eating your food. Things were never that straightforward with one Dirk Gently and really, Todd should have anticipated the circuitous route the holistic detective took to literally every destination.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Andy in exchange for some [sweet Martin fan art](https://everythingremainsconnected.tumblr.com/post/156230402129/itsandrewnow-everythingremainsconnected-asked).

Something about the harsh lighting in supermarkets always made Todd’s eyes hurt. The glare off the polished floor combined with the cart’s squeaky wheels and the distant cries of dissatisfied children came dangerously close to giving him a migraine. The beige-coloured ordinariness of the entire scene certainly didn’t help.

Paused at the dip selection was sunshine in human form, also known as Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective. His bright yellow jacket and shining auburn hair made him seem hyperreal against the blandness of the supermarket. 

“Todd, I just don’t understand the difference here.” Dirk held two little tubs aloft. “French onion, or French onion and herbs. I’m reasonably certain that both will taste exactly the same. The ingredients are practically identical, including all those little numbers.” 

“There is no difference. They all taste the same. Just pick one and let’s get out of here? Please?” Todd begged, leaning against the handle of the shopping cart. 

A small wailing child in a cart was pushed by at an agonisingly slow pace. 

Todd watched them go and wished for a swift death. “Dirk. Pick. One.” He said through gritted teeth. 

Dirk put them both back and grabbed a random selection instead. He threw them into the cart and rushed off toward the biscuit aisle. Todd sighed, feeling particularly put upon, but followed the sunshine man anyway. 

A picnic was supposed to be easy. You got some food and a blanket and sat in a park on the blanket eating your food. Things were never that straightforward with one Dirk Gently and really, Todd should have anticipated the circuitous route the holistic detective took to literally every destination. 

Getting to the biscuit aisle meant a detour through baking supplies and a box cake was thrown into the cart. They traipsed through the pasta aisle and three bottles of plain pasta sauce were added to the haul. 

Dirk only took about a year to pick out some biscuits for the impending picnic before deciding they were _finally_ done with the supermarket. Todd remembered feeling this relieved exactly once before and it involved guns and government agencies. He headed for the self-checkouts and Dirk grabbed his shoulder tightly. 

“Are you sure about this?” Dirk hissed. “These machines are notoriously antagonistic and unreliable!” 

“It’s just a self-checkout,” Todd tried to reason, “it’ll be fine.” 

Dirk’s intuitions were of course proven correct. The machine beeped incessantly and inaccurately and wasn’t even appeased by the clerk’s peace overtures. 

Amid much mechanical fanfare (the checkouts) and heartfelt sighing (entirely Todd) and smugness (Dirk) they finally left the terminally dull supermarket behind. 

  
*  


Todd drove to the park, infinitely preferring to arrive alive and without some road kill stuck underneath the car. It always smelled bad after a few days and Dirk refused to clean it up. 

Seattle put on a fine afternoon for them as they meandered across the lush grasses in search of the perfect picnic location. Dirk decided on a spot beneath a shady tree and immediately tried to unfurl the picnic blanket on his own. It fell to the ground in a sad lump. With an impressively straight face Todd helped him do it properly before collapsing onto it with a contented sigh. The grass beneath was surprisingly springy and comfortable and he stretched out, feeling his shirt ride up as he moved. 

Dirk looked away as Todd’s midriff was exposed, but not quite quickly enough to have missed it entirely. Shrugging off his yellow jacket Dirk rolled up his shirtsleeves, briefly wondering if he looked as tough as Martin when he did it. He even loosened his tie. 

“Woah, keep some clothes on, will you?” Todd joked, having not missed a thing. He smiled one of his rare weightless smiles and Dirk couldn’t help but return it. 

“It’s unseasonably warm, Todd,” Dirk attempted to defend himself with a hint of smile still playing about his lips. 

“Sure.” Todd played along. He dug a book out of his bag and lay back to read it. 

Dirk watched him with a smile, getting his own book and holding it in front of his face. He peeked over the top of it to glance at Todd frequently and didn’t actually read a single word. Something about Todd’s relaxed and preoccupied demeanour was incredibly enticing. 

“I’m hungry. Pass me the pink one?” Todd reached pathetically for a little tub of pink dip. Dirk rolled his eyes and nudged the tub in question closer to Todd. He followed it up with a packet of biscuits and smiled fondly as Todd rolled over onto his stomach to eat. 

Abandoning his book and leaning back on his hands, Dirk looked up at the sky through the leaves of the tree. Dappled shade fell across his face. A warm breeze rolled across the park bringing the happily distant sounds of children at play and possibly an ice cream truck. Dirk cast a sly glance toward his picnic companion, who was utterly lost in a taste adventure. He envied Todd that lightness. No shadows danced across Todd’s face at inopportune moments; no nightmares tore him from sleep with alarming regularity. 

Sensing eyes on him at last, Todd looked over. “What is it?” A little blob of pink dip was stuck to his perpetually stubbled cheek. 

“It’s nothing,” Dirk shrugged it off with a smile that didn’t quite work. 

Todd frowned, smiling just a little, and sat up properly. “No, it isn’t.” 

“Leave it.” Dirk tried. 

“You’re not the only one with hunches, Dirk.” Todd reminded him. “What’s wrong?” 

Dirk forced a smile to his face and shook his head. “Please, Todd. I don’t want to spoil the day. Let’s just drop it.” 

“Dirk, we’re friends, right?” 

“Of course.” Dirk forced another smile into residence on his face. 

“Friends tell each other what’s wrong.” 

Dirk shook his head. “Friends don’t ruin other friends’ picnics.” 

“You won’t ruin anything. I’m your friend and I’m worried about you. You think I don’t see it?” Todd half-laughed. “You think I don’t see when you remember something from before? You think I don’t hear your nightmares every night? You think I don’t notice the way you flinch when the microwave beeps, or the way you won’t touch a hot cup of tea? You always wait til it’s practically room temperature.” 

“Yes, well,” Dirk fumbled, not daring to meet Todd’s eyes. “I’m jealous of you.” 

“Jealous?” Todd laughed outright. “You do remember that my sister, the literal centre of my world, won’t talk to me? And I lied to everyone I’ve ever known and you’re my only friend left?” 

“I’m jealous that you don’t have these memories!” Dirk declared at last. “You _had_ a family at least. I had a team of scientists. I can’t even sit here and enjoy a gorgeous afternoon because every time something seems to be too good to be true it usually is.” Dirk folded his arms around his knees. “I keep waiting for the part where it all goes wrong because it always does.” 

Todd shuffled closer. “Sometimes it doesn’t.” Optimism wasn’t familiar territory for him but he tried anyway. “Sometimes we get these moments, together, and nothing goes wrong for a whole afternoon.” 

“A whole afternoon,” Dirk repeated, allowing a small smile. 

“Right.” Todd nodded. “Something shitty might be around the corner. Will probably be around the corner.” Todd admitted. “But that makes these moments that much better. Good memories will be there for us the next time it all falls apart.” 

Dirk smiled and glanced at Todd. “You have some dip on your face.” 

“What? Where?” Todd wiped his face and entirely missed the offending lump of fuchsia food on his cheek. 

Dirk laughed and reached across the very small distance between them to wipe the dip away. Somehow his hand stayed on the side of Todd’s face, apparently of its own volition. His thumb stroked Todd’s cheekbone with a level of intimacy that set Dirk’s heart racing. 

Todd’s giant blue eyes stared, warm with laughter and happiness, and the gentle touch of Dirk’s hand against his cheek sent waves of warmth through him. It was a feeling uncomfortably similar to indigestion. Todd glanced at Dirk’s mouth and very slowly moved closer. 

When Todd eventually pressed his lips against Dirk’s he couldn’t quite believe it was real. Dirk was warm and hesitant and kept a hand on Todd’s cheek as they kissed. 

They broke apart briefly, both needing to check that they weren’t actually asleep. They stared at one another in disbelief. Dirk threw his arms around Todd and pushed him down to the picnic blanket with the force of his exuberance. 

Grinning like mad Todd returned the ferocious hug, sliding his hands up Dirk’s back to hold him tightly. Dirk lifted himself up on his elbows to look down at his assis-friend/kissing friend and simply stared. 

“How are you real?” Dirk finally asked. 

“Excuse me?” 

Dirk answered by kissing Todd so sweetly that their behaviour quickly became slightly inappropriate for public viewing. He pulled away from Todd’s beautiful mouth to have a brief revelation. “Perhaps my nightmares won’t be so bad if we share a bed?” 

“You did not need to be this elaborate to get me into bed. I’m a seriously cheap date.” Todd confided with a smile. 

“Oh I know, I remember that Italian place you took me to a few weeks ago.” Dirk scoffed. 

“The happy hour was incredible.” 

“The fact that nobody got salmonella was incredible.” 

Todd rolled his eyes with a smile and patiently awaited more delicious kisses. 

Dirk happily obliged. 

  
*  


The nightmares were certainly easier to deal with when Dirk didn’t wake up alone.


End file.
